The first blog post of the website ever will be about the reason of why I started this blog. I always love to write ever since my younger vulnerable years. I believe writing is like therapy and everyone should write every day. I want to create a space for my mind to express my thoughts and feelings about various topics in our everyday lives freely and without judgment cause in all honestly, I do not care if you read this. Seriously, I made this website for myself to create a space to de-clutter my mind with my everyday thoughts. I would love to thank the people on my Instagram that I have had deep conversations about random topics that I post on my stories. I feel people need to understand people’s opinions and just have a conversation that involves arguing intelligently. The blog would be a way for me to interact with different backgrounds and get everyone’s feedback on my writing. Also, writing one blog post a day would improve my writing to a different level of skill that has been one of my goals this year. I hope to get positive and negative feedback because I will embrace everything. The theme of the blog is black and white is that I will write exactly what I think. You will see with the layout.
During this Coronavirus quarantine, we are so bored that we are all binge-watching our favorite television shows. I decided to re-watch one of my favorite television shows the football show “Friday Night Lights.” The setting takes in a small fictional ranch town of Dillon, Texas where football is the heart and soul of the city. A specific scene brought water into my eye where the football coach, Eric Taylor, addresses the team in the locker room down at halftime during the championship game. The speech said the following, “Every man at some point in his life is going to lose a battle. He’s going to fight, and he’s going to lose. But what makes him a man is that amid that battle, he does not lose himself.” Last five months, I was in a personal “battle” that I accept full responsibility for being in this situation with a person called woman D. The situation took a huge emotional toll on my mind that it left me thinking of this quote. I change during these five months and thus of the result, I lost my identity. I lost the battle of “love”. (I am going to be honest this wasn’t love; its an obsession). I was losing the most precious thing more than love that is life. I became obsessive with an image that does not exist. She is a completely different person that people painted me with. Throughout the five months, I thought she was the Sistine chapel of Michelangelo instead she just a regular plain old iPhone picture. In reality, the image that I had of her got filled with disappointment and dysentery. I am left appalled. I became obsessed with the idea that she is the perfect woman. In reality, no one is perfect and I learn that the hard way. The hard way is that I attempted suicide not once not twice but three times because of YOU. You left me in a dark place but I am now ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel. To people that have suicidal thoughts just know your not alone. Seek help like I did. I have my own therapist for about two years already just know that seeking help is okay. Yes, this person put me in this dark place within my mind. I believe everything she said about me and what was going on. Just know that it is not true. You have friends and family that love you. Just because this one person that you think is the “love of your life” tells you horrible things about yourself just know that is not true. It doesn’t matter what that person thinks about you. Who are they anyways? Repeat after me, you will not waste time and energy with people that do not want to be in your life. Now repeat that three times and you will see how you feel. The difference it will make. Listen to the real friends around you and most important of all is your family. Like J cole says, “Love yourz.”
You can be attached to what’s already gone-the past- and to what is not here yet-the future. But you can never be attached to what is happening right now- the present. The present can only be experienced as it happening. The moment that you seek to grasp it, it’s already gone. They were moments with women D I would love to relive again. Those 5 mins at the wedding of dancing will be a moment that I will always remember. You giving me a piece of candy accepting my friendship again. (long story). Yet, those already happen already past I got to live in the now moment. Reality is your gone. You decided to leave my life and I wish you nothing but the best. To women D I forgive you. Mostly importantly of all…
I let you go.
For those who are single, dateless and stressing about it like me. Take a moment to consider the following…
When you sit at a baseball game and she or he is three seats down you are wondering in your head if you like you why not wonder if you will like them?
When you sit there talking about yourself why not let them talk about themselves?
When they judge you for “showing off” when talking about yourself consider maybe they do not understand you as a person?
When you feel the neediness to impress them instead of that wonder if they can impress you?
When you sit there sit there across them thinking what to say to like them instead what will they say to make you like them?
When you wait around for a reply from a dm or text message, instead you could find something else to do while they wait for your reply?
When you worry if your tall enough, good looking enough, or skinny enough why don’t you decide at that moment whether they are too superficial to recognize your great qualities as a person?
When it comes to sitting across the table from them and think of perfect date scenarios, why don’t you decide if she or he really likes you why need a perfect date?
When you want to look for a conversation they will enjoy why not wonder if you could talk about something that you enjoy?
When feeling insecure about how you feel and how good you are in bed, why not wonder how good they are in bed?
When you constantly look for their approval why not decide if give yours instead?
When you wonder how to make that person your friend would you even want this person to be your friend?
Now if your getting upset about the reason why they do not to be with you, you could decide that means you honestly shouldn’t want to be with them?
When you get a nice welcome to a new place gift to a mutual friend of theirs in example a dinner table if she or he is judge mental and envious why would you want to be with this person?
When you sit across from them and ignore you why not choose to ignore them instead?
If she or he judges every aspect of the way you treat her mutual friends that you share with her realize that maybe she or he does not have friends and is superficial.
If you realize that this person does not have a best friend ask yourself why?
These questions that you may see above will sound selfish. I would love to take a different perspective when it comes it. I believe it is strong boundaries. Strong boundaries are hard to develop and with life experience you will. I believe these questions are also those of high self-esteem. I made the mistake of making time for a person that honestly did not deserve any of my time. Time that I will never get back. Like one of my friends said, thank god it was only 5 months. Make time for people that are interested to be in your life not the other way around. Only be interested in dating people who are interested in dating you for how you are and who you are. I did the cardinal sin of all. I worried so much what will make someone else happy instead of what will me happy. Looking for a person that meets my needs instead of meeting theirs. Changing one’s true self to become who you want to be not what others want you to be. To be or not to be. That is, one’s true question.
Maybe your thinking the following and bear with me: your not good-looking enough, experience or cool enough to decide if someone else is good enough for you.
That sort of thinking is what gets me in trouble in the first place. It’s time to change your mind and mind.
You’re the only one who gets to live your life. Take it seriously. Have standards.
People are genuinely attracted to someone they can respect, to someone they can trust. If you’re constantly looking for approval for what to say and how to feel, how could anyone respect or trust you?
The questions above that I made are designed to change your mind—to change your mind about how you are going about dating and going about meeting new people.
Maybe you’ve searched for tactics or strategies to make others attracted to you, to make them want to be with you, to lust for you, to stay with you and this mindset is just unattractive.
This mindset creates your anxiety, your insecurity, your need to impress others, to try too hard, to say or do things that don’t feel like the real you.
You are what attracts (or repels) others — not the words, not the strategies. If you aren’t happy with the results you get, then it’s time to improve you.
This new mindset leads to attractive behavior. It helps you freely express yourself. It removes the fear of rejection and being insufficient.
I don’t care how attractive anyone else says they are. Are they good enough for you? Hot body, great job, impressive social circle, but do you enjoy being around them? Are you ready to leave on a dime if they offend you or break your trust?
If not, that’s probably why you’re not with them in the first place.
The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise, no one else will.
Now let’s talk about a topic that is kind of controversial well at least for me Friendship. I have mutual friends with women D that I really love. To Jerry’s wife aka Maria (inside joke hopefully you laugh), Jerry, and Miguel I owe a deep apology. Our friendship grow not cause of her like she said to me repeatedly it was cause of her but rather you somehow like me for me. My quirkiness and weirdness did not bother you like she said but rather you embrace it and for that I thank you. I am not weird but rather a unique person that just thinks differently than everyone else. She said to me repeatedly that you were my friend cause of the money or the things I buy for you guys but now that I think of it is not true. Ruben, we do not have like you is something that I heard repeatedly when I was planning things with her like going to Universal Studios or our trip to Hawaii with the family. I would always think why she would mention as “we” as in the friends. The “one we should not name” told me so many things about my friends and said all these terrible things I believe to be true but looking at from another prespective I do not see it as true anymore. I believe “the one we should not name” did all of this as a purpose to sabotage my friendships. To the friends that I stated above that I love you all. To my friend Jason and Liza that I had those dark conversations with just thanks for being my friend and being there for me. I would not have done it without you guys support as well. To my sister I love you too. Anyways, the point is friends and family will be there. The real ones stay and the superficial leave. I would love to end this on a great note. I will be focus on trading and mentoring since I got some interest in my mentoring. I will keep working hard on my self-improvement in my mental health, physical health, career and relationships with people. Like my role model Lebron James says.
Strive for Greatness
With love Ruben.